Falling in love with an addict was a blinding experience. Our life together never lacked drama, though it did eventually lack all else. We went through car accidents and a fire that destroyed everything I owned and everything he had brought to this country. He was arrested and jailed. Still, I felt fiercely loyal.
He had asked me to marry him within three weeks of our meeting. I attributed his hurry to his having “found the right one,” and not wanting to lose a minute together. He pressed me incessantly to have a child. I did not understand at the time that this was his way of keeping me tied to him. This impetuous decision-making was a departure from my normally cautious nature and a sign that my own disease was active. As I allowed myself to become more dependent on him, I was getting sicker and sicker. I was not able to see that I was becoming obsessed with my husband. He became less and less dependable and I became more and more focused on how to help him so he could be more dependable for me. I was still in denial about my motives, so I told myself things such as, “If I were the one who had a terrible disease, I would want him to be there for me. How can I offer him less than that?”
I came to Nar-Anon when I was nine months pregnant, desperately in need of support, and finally convinced that I could not survive my life’s insanity without help. The minute people started sharing, I felt as though I had come home. My crazy experiences were theirs. Nothing I said seemed to shock them as it had my friends, and they had a peace and acceptance in them that I wanted.
Thought for Today: I will listen to my own dreams and not throw myself into the dreams of others. I will grow stronger as I follow my Higher Power’s will, as He does not give me burdens I am not strong enough to bear.
“A lie has speed, but truth has endurance.” ~ Edgar J. Mohn