I was really angry and confused when I heard I had to make amends. Why would I have to say I am sorry for anything I have done? It was all necessary. When I shouted, cried and said hateful things, it was because I was unhappy, made unhappy by the addict. I always felt right. I did not feel good, but what could I do? I only knew how to react crazy to the crazy things that were going on. When I thought of apologizing for the way I acted or the things I did, I wondered why I should apologize since the addict caused it.
When I read Step Nine from The Nar-Anon Twelve Step Program, I learned I could make amends by changing my behavior. I did not know that! I then understood why reading and using the literature is so important.
I have changed over the last two years. My reactions have changed, my attitude has changed; and I have found how this can affect relationships. Last week, reality was sad because I did not think my husband was there for me when he looked high and unavailable. While that was true, I did not react by telling him what a loser he was. I realized my expectation that he should take me into his arms and make everything all right was not reality.
A day later, he was there. He was attentive, caring, loving, thoughtful, and selfless. I was in heaven. I felt truly loved and cared for. What had changed? Only my attitude was different. I think if I had reacted in my old way, he would not have been able to come to an angry, hateful me and show love. I have changed my view of him. I treat him with respect and love. He is free to show his love for me, not because I expect it, but because he feels it.
Thought for Today: Amends sometimes just happen when I am working the program for me.
“When there are no walls of contempt we can keep giving and receiving forgiveness and understanding.” ~ Anonymous