After my mother abandoned me, my grandmother told me that regardless of her actions, I should always love my mother. Without her, I would not be alive. In my opinion, my mother was a promiscuous rebel. She did not raise me; my grandmother did. I was a good child by my grandmother’s standards because I usually did what I was told. As an adult, I still did not want to do anything wrong, because I learned pleasing people made me feel good and lovable. I wanted to be loved, but I did not want to be like my mother.
I married early and had three children. With the fourth child on the way, my husband took a walk and never came back. I felt abandoned again. I worked long hard hours, always with a smile on my face, while my gut ached. I stayed busy, supported my family, but had no help. I never looked for any. I was too busy trying to survive and prove that I was a strong person, doing the right thing, still proving that I was nothing like my mother.
After my children were raised, they began to use drugs. I felt abandoned one more time. I have also reared three grandchildren and tried to make a difference in their lives. I cared for them out of love and gave them everything. Once again, I took a back seat in my own life.
I finally sought help by joining Nar-Anon. Through the Nar-Anon program and my Higher Power, my life was saved. I realized that I had taken a back seat in my life and had abandoned myself. Today I am so grateful and I no longer look for closure from my experiences of abandonment. I am a new person now because of the loving support from my Nar-Anon family. I have received so many good things from the Nar-Anon program and have learned a better way to live. I can now contribute to others along the way and yet not abandon myself!
Thought for Today: I have found that I can forgive and not fear repeating what I consider the mistakes of my mother. I can do what is right for me without giving up my love for others.
“Love is a part of everyone who lives and breathes. Love is a force that binds all people together like drops of water in a mighty ocean.How can you not be of love?If you do not see love within, you have not looked.” ~ Ron Rathbun