My mother had intense mood swings, and my father was emotionally unavailable. To protect myself from my mother’s emotional and physical abuse, I went into a world that felt safer: My trance. I had no close relationships, and I was sure I had no personality; there was something missing in me. This is how I lived my life; this was my trance, my way of not being. My husband was the first person with whom I felt comfortable. He loved to talk, and I was a good listener. I believed that with him I would become a real person. In my denial, I did not realize that in those early years of marriage he had deep psychological problems. This led to his suicide. Ours was a dysfunctional family. Neither my husband nor I knew anything about nurturing and bringing out the best in our sons. Both boys eventually used drugs. Our youngest was fortunate not to have the disease. The other tragically was an addict and committed suicide at the age of thirty-five. My real fear was that people would discover my invisibility. I could not relate to my husband’s or my son’s pain or needs because no one had seen to mine. It took most of my energy to keep up the appearance of being normal. My fear of living was like a wound, and I was sure I was unlovable. The Nar-Anon program allowed me to start reconnecting and stop being at war with myself. It was as if I was aroused from a deep sleep. I began a spiritual journey that led me to recovery and my Higher Power. By practicing the program and working the steps, I received the help I needed to find myself. It is still painful, but I am discovering the peace and serenity of having an inner and outer persona that match.
Thought for Today: My Higher Power can do for me what I cannot do for myself.
“Prayer and meditation will direct my efforts today. My purpose can be fulfilled.” ~ Karen Casey